Tuesday, the 25th of June 2024
Week fourty-six.
I can't believe it's almost July. Today I was talking to my host mom and we realized that six months ago today was Christmas. I mean, that says it all, doesn't it?
For the first time, I'm sitting here as I write this and I'm getting a little teary eyed. Can it really be true that my time here will soon be over? Hasn't it somehow only just begun? I think this diary is one proof that one year really will be over soon. I just totally don't realize it.
At home in Germany, my future life is taking shape more and more. And it feels like God has had quite a hand in it. When I think about it, I'll be pretty well provided for when I get back home - I have a car, a job and, as of today, I've been accepted for my first own apartment. Another thing I can't really grasp yet and such a big step that I'm really looking forward to.
It's not easy to really concentrate on the here and now when there's so much going on at home and so much to sort out. Nevertheless, there's still quite a lot going on here that attracts his attention. Whether it's work, the two trips that are still to come or simply the life here with my hostfamily. I'm starting to think about saying goodbye to all of it - this place, my time here and all the people. I mean, how do you say goodbye to a year like this and everything that goes with it? It´s weird to think about all the last times I will have, with people who were more or less part of my year, with places I've been to more or less often. How often will i actually realize that it's the last time doing or seeing something/someone? In the end, you probably just have to take it as it comes.
Wednesday, the 29th of May 2024
Week fourty-two.
It's the end of May and after nine months of waiting for my family to visit me here, I have to say that this time is now over.
These two weeks were once again an example of how you can't prepare for some things. As so often in life, you get confronted with the reality that you don't necessarily expect in advance. And yes - in that case you have to come to terms with some things. But just because it differs from your ideas and wishes doesn't mean that it can't still be wonderful. And these two weeks have proven just that. Despite all the circumstances, despite all the imperfections, we created wonderful memories (and took lots of great photos!!) that will always connect us.
Looking back, I am grateful. Grateful for my family, in whom I can always trust, with whom I can learn about myself so protected and be imperfect. I´m grateful that they traveled that far to get to know my life here and to share these two weeks of my time here with me.
Now I have a little time for myself before my next visitor (@Anna) is coming on Friday. That will be very different again but also something I'm really longing for! I'm looking forward to it and I'm super excited to see what's in store for us in the next two weeks!
Thursday, the 2nd of May 2024
Week thirty-eight.
Another month went by and that means it’s May now and my family is coming really soon! Just one more week and i couldn’t be more excited- especially since i saw, how good the weather should be!!
One thing i realized in April was, how intense i experience this daily family life. I‘m part of the highs and lows and i get involved in so many things, which feels good in a sense, because it gives me the feeling of really being part of this family by now.
This last month i worked a lot before i finally made my first trip, after a long time just staying home.
I‘m in love with the spring on the island. The sun makes everything even more beautiful. All the trees are blooming since a few weeks now, everything is green and the water shimmers blue from the sky!
There is so much more „life“ going on, more people on the streets, at the beach, at the park,… and also a lot of wildlife to watch!
On our trip to Port Hardy, including the San Josef Bay and some other places along the way, we saw two bears, an elk, some eagles, and something that looked like „a cow with two horns“. It‘s such a blessing to be able to experience a whole year at this one place, including every season. It's so different to what i know from home and that makes it so special.
Mentally i‘m quite good at the moment! I‘m still dealing with many things like i did before, but i definitely see progress in how i manage these struggles in my daily life.
I‘m getting sad, when i think of leaving this place in three months, even if it’s still a lot of time. I just can’t really imagine living without some of the things i got used to during my time here and which i really appreciate to have in my life.
I just wanna fully enjoy everything that is still waiting for me. And that’s gonna be a really special part of my year!
Friday, the 5th of April 2024
Week thirty-five.
It truly is April. Eight months, two thirds of my au pair year in Canada, are over. I still have a third left and I have the feeling that this time is going to be really good. My family will finally be arriving in just under 5 weeks! I can't believe how quickly time flies at the moment.
The last few weeks have been really busy. I've started working a few hours a week with the family of my host mum's sister. We also had Spring Break, which started with my host child's 5th birthday. I would say that the spring break also marked the start of spring-like temperatures. It feels so good to be able to spend more time outside again without having to put on multiple layers of clothes (especially for the kids)!!! And the sun is just so good for the soul, isn't it?Spring Break ended with Easter. Easter included a classic Easter Hunt and, as at Thanksgiving, we had turkey sandwiches or, in my case, the vegetarian alternative. Just like at Christmas, I also introduced a few of my own traditions - 'Osterzopf' for breakfast, egg coloring and Chinese take-out for Easter dinner.
Shortly after Easter i also started playing Tennis. I´m gonna have group lessons for the next three months now and - as far as i can tell after my first session- i really enjoy it and it provides a good balance to everything else that's going on.
I'm really looking forward to everything that is still waiting for me!!!
I'm more than thankful for everybody that is visiting me and also for everybody that i got to know here and who i can spend so much time with!
Sunday, the 17th of March 2024
Week thirty-one.
Well, what can I say? It's a done deal - I'm going back to Germany at the beginning of August. For a long time now I assumed that I would extend my time here in some way. Four months longer was my last plan. But as I've already experienced a few times here, things have turned out differently. I have realized how often I hold on to things - hopes, dreams, good feelings that I once had. It's super hard for me to let go of these good feelings, no matter how much there is against them now. It kind of feels like as if I'm personally failing, that it´s my fault, why it doesn´t work out. For a long time now, I've held on to the idea of staying here a bit longer - it just seemed so perfect for a while. I assumed that four more months would afford me so many more chances - having more time for being an au pair, my relationships, travelling, my personal development,... But now that there are so many reasons not to extend my time here, I have decided to let go of this idea, this dream. And I've just realized how many doors are opening up, how much perspective this opens up. You start to see things with different eyes, to change your focus and, in my case, to concentrate on making the most of the time I have left and also to make the perspective of 'coming home' as good and beautiful as possible. And this combination gives me the peace I need to make this not-so-easy decision. I now have a bit more than four months left and they are filled with so many great things and experiences. One thing that my mom once said to me has stuck with me. The time I will have at the end, whether it's a year, a year and four months or even longer, will be enough. And right now it really feels like that.
Spring is coming and i couldn´t be more grateful and excited for the coming chapter of this year!
Thursday, the 15th of February 2024
Weeks twentyfive and twentysix (and a bit).
In a previous post here, I once asked myself how I was feeling. It was hard to put into words, but 'good' probably wouldn't have been my answer.
A lot has happened since then. I've worked a lot on myself and ventured out more - met more people, went to church, worked out,... It wasn't easy and certainly not without fears. For quite a long time i avoided doing all these things, because my fear was to big and my energy to low. But I've done it and I'm constantly being gifted for it. Gifted with friendship, gifted with happiness, gifted with more self-confidence. I make so many valuable and healing experiences here. Over and over again. And as difficult as the steps outwards may be. It seems like no step was worthless. And so I can now say 'I'm doing well'. And not just for a day or a moment here and there. I haven't felt as good as I do right now since I came to Canada. It's so nice to be able to experience again and again that after every down comes an up and you simply emerge from a down stronger every time.
My year here is gaining more and more perspective through all of this. And I'm slowly getting the feeling that everything I've planned will work out in the end.
Wednesday, the 7th of February
I'm proud of myself.
I had this thought for a while now. Now is the moment i want to speak it out loud.
I'm proud of myself.
In my whole life but especially since I'm here, I managed a lot! And i can say, that most of it results from my own initiative and my own longings. I help myself being the person, that is already inside of me and designing/living the life that makes me happy. All of that would probably not be the way it is, when some people wouldn't support me the way they do. But at the end - I'm doing the work. I'm going the steps and I'm making the decisions. And to see that, to see how far i've already come makes me thinking:
I'm proud of myself.
Monday, the 29th of January 2024
Weeks twenty-three and twenty-four.
The next two weeks, and therefore almost January, are over. And like every year, this January has dragged on quite a bit. It's been ages since my birthday and New Year's Eve... There's been a lot going on in the last two weeks. We finally had snow. It was only nice for one day, but at least I had the opportunity to take some nice photos on that one day!
I also finally got to meet a few German au pairs. I underrated it so much to talk in German. It´s feels so good to finally connect more and more and to have the opportunity to talk about everyday (aupair) things!
Overall, the last two weeks didn't feel quite as exhausting and difficult as before. I have the feeling that a few things are settling, getting organized and somehow also changing. I can't say exactly where all of this is going yet, but it feels like I can see the light on the horizon a little better. I´m so sure, that everything I went through and I´m still going through will pay off!
I'm slowly starting to think about what else I want to experience during my time here, how it can all work out and how things will ultimately continue for me back home in Germany. It's nice to be able to say that it looks like my time here won't be over after a year, as planned, but that I can delay my time here a little longer.
Sunday, the 14th of January 2024
Weeks twenty-one and twenty-two.
One of the biggest things I'm learning during this time right now is to really enjoy the good days or moments without thinking all the time about when things will get more difficult again. So in this weekly review, I'm going to focus a little on the good moments and days I've had.
Starting with my birthday. It wasn't easy the whole day, but when I look back on it today, the good moments of the day stand out. I had a relaxed morning in my hotel room with a bit of me-time as well as some birthday phone calls. I also had a successful shopping trip and delicious food. The highlight of the day was definitely the Vancouver Canucks ice hockey game at the end of the day. And to do and 'get through' all that all by myself is no mean feat in my opinion. Over the last two weeks, I have also been able to watch my little host girl learn to walk more and more, so that she now does nothing else anymore. It is so special to be able to witness these developmental steps. I have also been able to get to know people with whom it feels like a valuable relationship could develop! I was able to have valuable, deep and inspiring conversations with these people, as well as with a few others around me. I was also able to enjoy a free house for a few days. During these days, it also snowed for the first time - only a little, but at least there was snow!
I think these are some good moments for which I can be very grateful. And even if they don't make the difficult days and moments any less or even make them go away, they give me hope and a perspective for a time when there will be more good moments than difficult ones again.
Friday, the 12th of January 2024
When I'm honest...
At some points it's easier to just put on a mask and seem fine - even if you're not. But this blog should show, what I'm going through, it should show, what's going on during my year in Canada. And right now, it's simply not simple. I am frustrated and sad. And not just since yesterday.
I have a thousand reasons to enjoy my time here (a beautiful part of Canada and house I'm living in, a lovely and caring hostfamily and so many good and healthy relationships,...) and yet I can't most of the time. When I look at the topics and problems I'm dealing with then i see, that I can explain so much logically, but it doesn't reach my soul. I find it hard to be gracious with myself. I find it hard to accept my situation as it is and hand them over to God.
I am realizing more and more what an identity crisis I am in right now. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know where I'm going next and how I can reconcile everything or whether I might have to limit myself in certain areas. What do I concentrate and focus on and what do I perhaps just leave alone?
What am I good at and what do I enjoy?
Where is it worth sticking to it? And where is it okay to quickly say that I'm not gonna continue?
Where is the line between "I'm lazy" and "I have no energy"?
I don't want to call/go to people every other day and tell them how bad I feel. I want to tell nice things and write them in my blog. I know this is just a season. I know that I can only accept it and give it to God. But it's annoying.
So many unanswered questions that I can't answer for myself, neither can anyone else.
And on top of all that, of course, all the worries and fears that accompany me in my everyday life and that make a mountain out of a molehill and where I simply catastrophize things in my head.
I'm longing for a few good days in a row again. I long for not always having to worry about what the next day will bring.
I long for lightness.
Monday, the 1st of January 2024
Weeks nineteen and twenty.
Twenty weeks and 2023 comes to an end. The last two weeks of the year are usually busy. I mean, it's Christmas and New year's eve. That (usually) means bigger or smaller celebrations and lots of family time!
But not this year. I mean, a big family celebration on Christmas Eve was the plan, but then i got sick and had to stay home. I was alone and first i felt lonely. But then i found peace and the meaning of Christmas was as clear for me as never before.
For New Years Eve i had no plans except for the (in Germany) traditional Raclette for dinner. The rest of the evening i spent alone. I took the chance to take a look back on my year 2023. My focus - what did i accomplished this past year? 2 hours of writing down all these things made me realize how thankful i can be for 2023. How proud i can be of myself and that it feels like, as if this year was a start of something good, something special. It might not be my happiest and lightest season of the year or of my life, but it's probably the strongest season.
I'm so excited, what 2024 will bring and what way God will lead me.
I'm more than ready for every plans i already made and for all the big and small moments, however they'll look like, that will make my year 2024 unique and special.
Tuesday, the 19th of December 2023
Week eighteen (and a little bit more).
In this last week happened a lot. After a tough start of the week i had a first moment, that made me feel, as if I personally took a big step forward. I can already feel - investing in yourself will always be worth the way.
Next to this i explored another part of the island. I've been to Ucluelet for the weekend - a small and beautiful town, with many hiking trails. A gray and partly rainy weekend, but what do we say in Germany? "Es gibt kein schlechtes Wetter, es gibt nur falsche Kleidung!" (: "There is no bad weather, there are just wrong clothes")
Just for the drive to Ucluelet it was worth to go. Mountains, lakes, waterfalls right next to the highway. It felt like, i couldn't look straight, because every second there was an even more beautiful view. This drive made me realize again, HOW beautiful the country (or at least this part of the country) is, I'm living in right now. And I'm thankful to have these moments and that I'm able to explore these amazing landscapes.
Maybe i would wish for more of these moments right now, but i try to see what happens with me personally right now. And probably this currently needs most of my energy and focus. And i guess, that's okay.
Sunday, the 10th of December 2023
Week seventeen.
When people ask you "How are you?" - what would be your answer right now? I guess it totally depends on who is asking you this question. But let's just say, you have to be serious.
It's a short question and to say "I'm good" or "I'm not good" seems easy. I can imagine, that many people feel the same way, when i say, sometimes it's definitely not as easy as it seems.
When i think about this diary and why I'm writing down all of these things, i can say, that I'm mainly doing it for myself. Shortly writing down and reflecting what's going on and how I'm feeling is a good way for me to settle down.
And so i want to be honest to myself and explain in a short way, how i'm feeling right now. I have many reasons, that would make me say "I'm good". I live together with a wounderful family and i have wonderful moments with all of them. I live in a wonderful part of Canada, where i can still explore new, wonderful places nearby. I have many successfull moments in my daily life, that i can be proud of. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends at home in Germany, i couldn't be more thankful for.
And next to all of this - I'm feeling sad and exhausted, sometimes lonely. I didn't thought, that some personal topics and difficulties would become present in that intense way. I'm thankful for my trust, my patience, my confidence, that everything will work out in the end. It feels like the last years, maybe my whole life prepared me for the barriers, that are waiting for me here. It feels like, that this is, how life works in a way, that this is, how God prepares me (us). Intense seasons in my life are a preparation for the next intense seasons. And to know - "I will make it through this season, because i always did so far" gives me the strength i need.
(1. Korinther 10,13)
Monday, the 4th of December 2023
Week sixteen.
A new month has started. December. Advent. Christmas time. For the first time in my whole life, I´m living in a house, where the christmas tree is standing before the 23rd of December. For the first time, the house, i'm living in, has a Frosty in its front yard. It´s definitley nice to experience, how a different country is celebrating christmas and what's part of their traditions. But i'm also happy, that i can bring some of my own traditions and that my hostfamily is open to see, what's part of 'my christmas'.
In the last week i also still worked on creating my comfort place. That includes, that I'm deepening realtionships, that are important for me, as well as creating or finding a safe space, where i can find peace but also where i can work on myself. And even if i don't have any idea, where this way leads me, I'm confident, that it will make me stronger!
Sunday, the 26th of November 2023
Week fifteen.
Even if it didn´t feel like that every day of the last week, i can say today, that last week was quite a success. I got so many different things done. I finished reading my book, which took me a few months now. I also joined two Yoga classes last week, which i really enjoyed. My package for my family is on its way to Germany and i had some, i would nearly say "brilliant" ideas for presents for my host family.
I also baked really good german 'Lebkuchen' - one of my favorite Christmas treats at home in Germany.
Last week was also marked by many different and really good conversations. To have the possibility to talk about my feelings and experiences and also hear about, what is going on in Germany, in the life of my family and friends, makes me really thankfull. I can experience so often how myself and the people around me are provided by god.
Next to this, i'm planning a small trip over New Year and my birthday right now. And I'm really excited for that, because when everything works out, i can check off another point of my bucket list... Keep one's fingers crossed!
Saturday, the 18th of November 2023
Week thirteen and fourteen.
Two more weeks went by now. I came back from San Diego, which feels like weeks ago. To be back in your daily life happens so much faster than you can imagine (isn't it always like this after coming home from vacation?). And within these two weeks i had sun and more than 25 degrees as well as frost and less than 5 degrees. Since I'm back, i've been on my first Christmas market for this year and bought the first Christmas presents. The package that I'm sending to Germany has to get ready soon!
And how am I personally? Well- not always that easy to say. There is much going on personally. And it's a mix of so many different feelings. In this time of the year it's not always easy to be that far away from home. Many things are happening at home where i'm usually around and involved. And now it is happening anyway - just without me. But finding new ways of how i can spend and experience this special time of the year is definitely exciting too and I'm more than grateful for this opportunity.
Next to this I'm still looking for 'my way to go'. And a few weeks have passed until i realized how much or rather what specifically is associated with this process. Sometimes i wonder - what will i write in my diary at the end of my time here?
Sunday, the 5th of November 2023
Week twelve.
During the last week i had some days for myself to explore the centre of San Diego a bit more. The days before, i already noticed, how tired i am of my thoughts, which definitely got out of hand. Thoughts can be energy-sapping.
But this time alone made me realize, why spending time just by myself is so important for me (and my thoughts). I can do whatever i want to do. I can be whoever i want to be and don't have to justify myself to anyone and not internally to myself. My thoughts are getting less in that time. And that's pretty valuable. I realized that time alone is a time, that allows me to recharge my batteries in its best way.
And so i spent three days on my own - three amazing days, with many BEAUTIFUL places. Three days that i will remember. Three days i am really thankful for.
Monday, the 30th of October 2023
Week eleven.
I need vacation, I´m on vacation. After a stressful week, we arrived in California, U.S., somewhere nearby San Diego. It's a quiet place right in the desert and the mountains. I´m so happy to get some rest and especially to have a bit of summer before the Canadian winter is coming soon. It's also my first time in the U.S. and it´s pretty exciting. It's such a different world than what I'm used to and I'm grateful for that opportunity!
Sunday, the 22nd of October 2023
Week ten.
This week made me realize, that this year will be so much different to what i could(´ve) imagine. There are so many things i couldn´t prepare for. And that makes it adventurous and exciting on one side and it can be difficult and frustrating on the other side. So many wishes, hopes and desires and i don´t know where to start and also where to end. So many things i want to do, explore and learn. And to understand, that not everything can work at the same time, and that i have to focus on one thing at a time, is not as simple as it might seem.
I´m so grateful for eveything i learned and explored so far, for the decisions i made, that brought me to this point. I´m grateful for the people i could met so far. I´m more than grateful for all the deep moment i already had with God, in which he showed me, that he is at my side all the time. I´m grateful for the strength i gained to be brave enough to keep going.
Saturday, the 15th of October 2023
Week nine.
What an intense week. Many intense converstaions, much of quality and family time. I feel blessed and grateful after that week!
I didn´t expected, that i´d have that intense thoughts and feelings after the visit of my aunt and uncle, after that week. For the first time in weeks i have kind of homesickness again. Not as much and definitely not as strong as in the beginning. It´s different. They brought with them a bit of home, a bit of Germany, a bit of how it feels to be there. Not that i forgot about that, but i´m just used to another daily life and surrounding. I´m used to a whole new lifestyle now. This visit showed me how strange and absolutely normal that experience of 'home' can feel like at the same time. Next to the sadness and homesickness, i´m happy, that their visit also showed me, that i don´t want to leave that life and this place yet.
Friday, the 6th of October 2023
Week eight.
This week was quite full of meeting new people. New people in the church, new people from my host families family, new people i just met here and there. And consistently good experiences. So many open-hearted and nice people, that want to get to know me better. People that are interested in how it´s going, interested in where i´m from, interested in what i´m doing and where i wanna go. And also people that are interested in spending time with me. What a wonderful feeling and kind of a compliment!
It feels good to connect more and more and build relationships!
While i´m writing this, i´m also full of anticipation because of people that are visiting me, that are not new/strange to me - quite the contrary! I´m so excited to see my aunt and uncle on the weekend and the whole next week. It´s such a special moment, seeing people, that are that far away from me during the rest of the year!
Saturday, the 30th of September 2023
Week seven.
What a great start of this seventh week - my second Coldplay concert. So spontaneous, so unbelievable, so unique - and a long-lasting memory!
In this seventh week i had some 'first moments'. I played Squash for the first time, went to the farmers market for the first time, had a successfull phone call in english for the first time.
Within the last few weeks i also realized more and more, that missing someone doesn´t have to be associated with pain. I feel, that i miss home, i miss my family and my friends. But the place, where i am right now, gives me enough, to not feel a painful desire for all of these things i don´t or can´t have right now. I can feel well at the same time as i miss people or things, that are far away. Missing these things doesn´t mean that i´d rather be there right now or at least that i don´t like being here right now. It´s good the way it is right now.
Saturday, the 23rd of September 2023
Week six.
I would say, a quite normal week, that passed by. Maybe the first week like this, since i´m here in Canada. With a routine that i´m getting used to more and more, with a few special and some less special moments. I guess i already knew it before, but i realised, that even if i´m at such a wonderful place, not every day is that wonderful and living in Canada does not feels special all the time. I don´t think 'Wow, I´m living in Canada!!' every morning, when i wake up. But i also realized that this is totally fine. I´m feeling good. More than good. Even if there are stressfull, unspecial and sometimes just bad days.
And i´m thankful for all the possibilities and privileges i have to explore this country and to experience special moments.
Saturday, the 16th of September 2023
Week five.
More than one month is already over. During this past week i took the liberty of focusing on myself. I focused on what was directly around me. What i experienced the last weeks was full of blessing but also exhausting! So it was time to rest. To take a break. For a while i wanted to stay in my comfort zone as much as possible and just wanted to do what feels comfortable. And i think that worked out pretty well. I feel how my motivation and energy comes back slowly and that i am more open for new adventures again.
Friday, the 8th of September 2023
Week four.
An almost whole new adventure started in this fourth week. Sometimes it even feels like a completely new start of this year. As if i came here just now and everything before didn´t happened. I mean, everything around me is new and kind of strange - again.
But on the other side i feel peace in me, that i definitely didn´t felt four weeks ago. Peace because of the things i already experienced and managed, and peace because of my safe feeling in my new surrounding. Peace, because it feels right to say, i´m supposed to be right here, right now.
Saturday, the 2nd of September 2023
Week three.
An unexpected change shaped this third and actually last week in Penticton. Rematch - one of my biggest fears and at the same time a situation, which i was pretty sure, that i wouldn´t have to experience. And now - now it has happened anyway. And i would lie if i would say that it didn´t shocked me at first. But today, one week after i heard about that i have to leave the family and Penticton, I could hardly be more grateful. I´m thankful for the last three weeks. Thankful, that i´ve been able to arrive in Canada. Thankful for all the experiences i´ve been able to gain so far. And thankful for that feeling that everything happened for a reason and that everything feels so right.
So - the next chapter starts soon and i´m pretty excited and looking forward to it!
Friday, the 25th of August 2023
Week two.
My second week in Penticton passed by so fast! And sometimes you ask yourself, how much can change in such a short time. I don´t speak about changes around me but changes in me. I´m still struggling with many things and i still haven´t found the answer to all of my questions. But i guess i can say about myself that i´m stronger and more confident today, than i´ve been one week ago.
Friday, the 18th of August 2023
Week one.
One week since i came to Canada - one week and many ups and downs. Many things i have to get used to. Many things i have to learn. Fears, doubts, insecurities on one side. Hope, longing, trust on the other side. Many different things i can be thankful for.
And many things i already accomplished and managed. Let's see what challenges, possibilities and ways the second week has in store for me.
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